by Michael Cheuk
During the month of November, we are rightly encouraged to give thanks and express gratitude. Research has shown that “gratitude practices” provide positive mental and physical benefits. Giving thanks can be a powerful tool to help us reframe and shift our perspective to appreciate what’s good in our lives, instead of simply ruminating on what’s bad.
And yet, I believe that there’s a shadow side to the sole pursuit of thankfulness. Before you dismiss me as crazy, hear me out.
The shadow side of thankfulness shows up when our gratitude and positivity ignores the whole truth of our reality. When it minimizes our legitimate needs that aren’t being met. When it tempts us to be dishonest with ourselves and others in order to keep everyone “happy.” When it keeps us stuck from making needed changes in our lives.
The shadow side of thankfulness not only shows up in our personal relationships, but also in our churches. Someone raises a concern at a church meeting about a budget shortfall or a staff relationship that has gone sour. There’s a pause. Then someone says, with real sincerity, “Well, we’re just so blessed.” Heads nod. The moment passes, along with the concern that was raised.
Nobody lied. The congregation is blessed. And thankfulness is being used as a pressure valve. When tension rises, thankfulness releases it before anyone has to feel its full weight. It looks like faith and sounds like humility. Often, underneath lies a fear of conflict, of disappointing one another, of discovering that we don’t see things the same way. We decline to look honestly and compassionately at our differences, our disappointments, our disillusionment. So we cover it with thanks.
Scripture doesn’t ask us to do this. Think of how much of the Psalms is lament, complaint, even accusation (to God!), and how often a psalm moves from protest to praise within a few verses. The thanksgiving at the end is believable precisely because the pain was named first. Thankfulness that has never been tested by honesty often serves as a distraction and a dodge.
So how can we tell the difference between “holistic thankfulness” and “shadow thankfulness”?
Holistic thankfulness can sit beside a hard truth. It says, “I’m thankful for this community, and I’m worried about where we’re headed.” Shadow thankfulness says the first half and quietly deletes the second.
Holistic thankfulness makes room for disagreement. Shadow thankfulness treats disagreement as ingratitude. If someone has learned that raising a problem honestly and lovingly makes them seem ungrateful, there is a trust problem, not a gratitude problem.
Holistic thankfulness is specific and responsive. “We’re blessed to be together” is a mood. Holistic thankfulness looks like this: “I’m grateful that John shared how our decision has negatively impacted him, even though it was uncomfortable. We have repair work to do.”
In the midst of a season when we’re encouraged to give thanks, consider these questions:
When did we last say “we’re blessed” in a moment that called for a harder conversation?
What are we grateful for that we’re also worried about?
Who among us have carried and said an uncomfortable truth in love? And have we thanked them?
Thankfulness should promote more than just positivity. Relationships secure enough to say “thank you” and “we have a problem” in the same breath have something more durable than good feelings. It has trust that nurtures true belonging. And that is something to be thankful for!