Is it just me, or do you sense a growing level of conflict in local churches? Those in the field are using words like “pandemic” to describe the level of congregational and staff conflict that we currently see. Far too often, the call for help comes late in the game, and the chance to minimize collateral damage has been lost.

Dr. Chris Caldwell is the talented and insightful pastor of Broadway Baptist Church in Louisville, KY. He recently put together a checklist of reminders for clergy who find themselves immersed in a conflicted situation. I found it extremely helpful, and asked if he would mind sharing it with a larger audience, in the hope of heading off congregational conflict before it reaches a dangerous level. Many thanks to this practicing pastor who has given us a proactive way of dealing with the rising levels of conflict around us.

Things To Keep In Mind for Ministers in Conflict

Dr. Chris Caldwell

• Be careful with language
  • Stick to “I” statements as much as possible. 
  • Limit “you” statements to specific things you know the other person did or said.
  • Avoid speculating about motives.
  • Avoid using the divine “we” or phrases such as, “A lot of people think/feel…” Beware of people who use such language, which is a common form of manipulation, especially in churches.

• Be careful with information
  • Go straight to the source, and do it one-on-one if you can.  In person is best, and over the phone is second best. 
  • Don’t blindly trust the information and stories you receive.  Remember that, in times of conflict, human nature and human cussedness can cause us all to misremember or to distort what has been done or said.

• Be careful with communication
  • Be clear and stand your ground, while at the same time being candid about your mistakes, if there have been any, provided you can trust the other person not to exaggerate your admissions or use them aggressively as ammunition against you.
  • Be very cautious with email and other electronic communication, which can be easily misunderstood and rapidly circulated.   If you need to communicate in writing, consider a written letter in the mail.  Someone who circulates copies of a letter has to justify why they would do this, while forwarding an email is more likely to be considered appropriate, even when it is not.  If you choose to send an email to someone who is upset with you, you should assume it will be forwarded, not that it will be kept confidential.  In other words, don’t say anything to an individual in an email you are not ready to explain to a group.

• Be strategic
  • Choose your battles.  Three questions: 1. Is this really a problem?  2. Is this my problem?  3. If it is my problem, is there anything I can do about it?
  • Seek a common standard both parties can agree to that puts the conversation on a higher plane.  For example, if there is a dispute over a youth retreat, the front end issue might be, “Can we agree that, whatever our individual agendas, each of us wants to discover a solution which will be in the best interest of the spiritual growth of our youth?”
  • If there is a way to offer a face-saving option to the person with whom you are in conflict, offer it.  If there’s not one, don’t pretend there is.

• Be charitable to yourself and to others
  • Do not accept responsibility or guilt for something you did not do or cause, and don’t let people put the burden of resolving every conflict on you.  Jesus was a wonderful person; you are not Jesus.
  • That said, you are a minister and reconciliation is a fundamental Christian principle.  While being someone’s adversary may at times be a necessary evil, it is still to be avoided.  One can be in conflict with someone while at the same time being open to forgiveness and hoping and praying to move the relationship and the person to a better place.  Most pastors would admit there have been times when they were left with no option but to assume an adversarial position, but this should not be a primary or frequent strategy.

• Last but not least: Seek the Spirit and pray during the conflict.  Remember you are not alone.

Bill Wilson July 2010